The HEB Diet

The West Entry of my HEB Store.  This door marks the starting point.

     I have wrestled with a weight problem most of my adult life.  I enjoy eating and have from an early age, which has contributed to my ongoing battle with bulges.  After watching Oprah and The View on TV, and learning that nothing is really my fault, I discovered that the root cause of my life-long obesity was my psychotic mother.   

     Mother grew up in East Texas on a red dirt, dry-land farm in the midst of the Depression.  During those Dust Bowl years, everyone was hungry and, consequently, skinny. Mother wanted fat babies.  In her eyes, well-fed babies were healthy babies and she worked to make her babies fat, happy, and healthy.  My poor mother equated love with food and she loved her children.

     No meal at our house was complete without potatoes and bread.  We had biscuits for breakfast, light bread for lunch, and corn bread for dinner.  We enjoyed foreign foods--German Fries in the morning and French Fries at dinner.  Everything was fried in lard until Mom got on a health kick and started using Crisco.  Fried chicken and chicken fried steak were staples, and mother loved us so much, she always cooked extra and insisted we have seconds.

     It is refreshing to know that I can blame Mom’s psychosis for my problems, especially when she is not here to defend herself.  I have learned I am not just a weak-willed fatso, I have a “Food Addiction” and it is not my fault.  I have dealt with this addiction by employing a series of diets.  Over the years, I have lost several hundred pounds and have put back on several hundred and thirty-four pounds.

     My latest diet is one I call the HEB Diet, after my favorite supermarket.  The HEB (Here Everyone’s Beefy) Diet is simple.  I eat a light breakfast, a good lunch, and a light dinner.  Typically, I have plain oatmeal for breakfast, salad for lunch and a small piece of broiled fish for dinner--total calories maybe 1200 to 1500.  This sounds boring, and it is, so I liven it up by visiting the HEB Store.

     The HEB Diet gives me the bonus of being able to eat anything in the store that is available as a free sample.  Rules are I cannot buy and eat anything, nor can I steal and eat anything, but I can avail myself of everything offered as a free sample.  This innocent little twist adds variety, color and interest to an otherwise boring and mundane routine.

     At the HEB Store, I like to start at the west entry, near the produce area.  I circle around by the station where they make guacamole.  The little girl will give you a small container with a tostada and some fresh guacamole, or a little cup of orange juice.  (Some days she squeezes fresh orange juice.)  Check around the apples and oranges too—they sometimes slice one up and put it out for people to taste.  The cheap ones are not sliced up—only the Fujis or Honey Crisps for $3.98 a pound.

Free Panini Sandwiches and Pizza sometimes adorn this counter.

     I generally move over toward the sandwich bar and check for samples there.  Sometimes bite-size bits of melted-cheese Panini sandwiches are available, or if you’re lucky, pepperoni pizza samples.  The store employees don’t monitor how much you sample.  Check out the center aisle—for about a week they had Jordan Almonds—I sampled several handfuls every trip.  My, my, they are tasty.

The Roast Beef is a bit rare, but the cheese is good.

     On top of the olive display are little plastic cups.  Use these to sample anything in the olive bins.  I like the little sweet red peppers and mozzarella, but the kalamata olives and pickled garlic are also excellent.  Any of these temper the sweetness left over from the Jordan Almonds.

     Moving on down past the deli, I check for samples of roast beef and cheese, perched on little acrylic-covered islands.  Even though the beef is a bit rare for my taste, the price is right.  I stab two or three pieces of meat and four or five chunks of smoked Gouda on one of those long toothpicks.   Next in line, the pastry department usually has cut-up cinnamon rolls, cookies, or brownies available on little islands.  After all that roast beef and cheese, something sweet for dessert goes well.

Artisan Breads.  Note sample box in center.

     In the bread department, up on the slanted shelves with the artisan breads, little boxes hold bread samples.  I prefer the cranberry walnut loaf, but the Asiago cheese bread is really good.  Again, no one seems to care how much you sample, but get there early.  The cut up bread dries out quickly.

     Around the corner, past the gooey pastry case and glass-doored frozen fish display, look around for the sweet, well-endowed blond lady with perfect teeth.  She’ll be passing out wine samples from a little table.

     “This here's a new Pie-not Nore from out in California.  Would jew like a taste?”

     I take a sip and say, “It is nice, robust, and fruity, but it slides off the palate a bit quickly.  Could I have a bigger sample to see if it will cling?”

     She looks suspicious.  “I’ll have to ask my supervisor.  What’s a pal-ate?”

     Meanwhile, at the Cooking Connection, old Jim, looking silly in a black chef’s hat, is combining an eight-dollar jar of Tortilla Soup Mix with a two-dollar can of Rotel Tomatoes. He calls that “cooking.”  He’ll be happy to give a sample to anyone he doesn’t recognize. 

      He recognizes me, and frowns.  I grab a chunk of ciabatta bread from the display on his counter, dip it in olive oil and keep moving.  I like Jim, but he acts like he owns the store—takes all the fun out of free samples.

     Unless the red-haired lady is cooking sausage wraps on an electric skillet, or the Asian guy is pushing sushi, there are no more samples until the island in front of the dairy cases.  Another little acrylic station there sports mixed nuts, or trail mix, or dried cranberries.  A good handful of any is really filling.

     Turn right here—no sense in going into the dairy aisle—nothing free there.  At the end of the gondola on the right are the specialty cookies.  Almost always, Chocolate Chip Galore cookies are provided as samples.  These are really good.  I hear they were once featured in a James Bond movie.

The rice cake exploder gun is in the background, next to the lie about prices.  Almond butter in foreground.

     Straight ahead, at the front of the store, on the left, is a table with exploded rice cakes and almond butter.  Sometimes I like to start here and do the tour in reverse, but ending a meal with guacamole and pizza is awkward, so I usually go clockwise.  Skipping around to get everything in proper order takes a lot of effort and, with only 1500 calories a day, I don’t need the exercise.

     Funny thing.  As careful as I have been, so far I haven’t lost any weight.  In fact, I gained four pounds last week.  Maybe I should cut out the oatmeal.  If only Mother had been mentally stable…but then, I guess we can all say that.